Notes from Lapta, Cyprus – The Good Wife/Husband Guide by Ken Dunn

Education is a wonderful thing? Here’s a genuine extract taken from a ‘Domestic Science’ textbook of the early 60’s followed by an ‘alternative’ advisory submission, written by me, as in those days nothing existed for us chaps for we obviously didn’t need guidance!

The Good Wife Guide

1 – Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned for his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2 – Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

3 – Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up the schoolbooks, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over all the surfaces. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

4 – Eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

5 – Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Here your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have done through the day.

6 – Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the cushions or pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his role with fairness and truthfulness.

7 – Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer. He may feel obliged to repeat this offer but after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband’s breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

8 – Once you both retire to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train.

However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

9 – When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his fulfilment a small moan from you is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.

10 – Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of coffee ready when he wakes.

Blimey! Did people really think along those lines then? Now, I swear to you I have not altered a single word of that ‘advice’ above. But I couldn’t help writing another, based on that ten point guidance, for all us mere males.

The Good Husband Guide

1 – Arrive home in good time no matter what you have been doing with the ‘lads’ after work. Even if you have had a disgusting Doner Kebab on the way home be prepared for the delights of a home cooked meal. Try not to belch too much as you come through your front door. She will not be amused and the children will know you’ve had a few ‘bevvies’.

2 – Prepare yourself. As you come through the door realise she has been grinding away most of the day, mostly on your behalf, and will be in no mood to hear about your mindless tittle-tattle about who is screwing who in the office. Allow her to lambaste you with what has gone wrong while you’ve been away.

3 – Don’t complain about the clutter that was there when you left the house in the morning. Just clear a space and sit down quietly. Don’t refer to the mess in the rest of the house and don’t even think about checking the level of dust by running your finger over any flat surface. During the colder months of the year be very careful about suggesting the central heating might be turned up. Accept whatever she gives you, if at all, in terms of food.

4 – Be prepared for activity. The washing machine, dryer, washing up machine or vacuum can, and will, be used at all times, without prior consent, especially during TV programmes you want to watch.

Children will insist on creating mayhem around you and then kick hell out of each other, totally ignoring your threats of instant death. Try to relax. Tomorrow might be better. But it probably won’t be.

5 – Make the evening special. Never complain if she gets legless from the white wine she’s been drinking all day with her friends who are still staggering about, in your house, making suggestive comments and gestures to you. Pour them out through the front door as quickly as you can and find out what’s on the ‘box’.

As herself is now probably quite beyond it by now it is the time to indulge yourself and can happily break wind as frequently as possible without being shouted at. Settle down in front of the TV and enjoy yourself. It won’t happen often.

6 – Make yourself as comfortable as possible. You will probably have no more than 30 minutes before she reasserts herself and accuses you of doing sod all, again.

Try to lean back in a comfortable chair or strap your wife into one before she attacks you. Slip off your shoes before attempting to sneak out to the pub. Remember, you are not master of all but merely of yourself, subject to your wife’s approval.

7 – Once you have identified, tested and eaten your evening meal, if any, you have the chance to do the washing up. Be very careful about embarking on this risky venture in making sure you know where things actually go after drying up.

If you have a hobby of any kind be very careful about leaving bits and pieces lying around. If you don’t tidy up after you’ve been working most of it will probably be in the bin by the morning.

At the end of the evening try not to fall asleep watching the TV as herself will almost certainly give up trying to wake you up and will go to bed feeling unjustly treated. That will not help matters for the following morning.

8 – Once you both retire to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Hygiene is of the utmost importance. Your tired wife does not want to detect the odour of feet, armpits or any other symptom of male forgetfulness regarding cleanliness.

Leave the bathroom as you would like to find it. Do not spray the mirror with unspeakable ‘squirts’ or leave the WC without putting the seat down.

9 – However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is engaging without being lascivious to ensure your chances of having your evil way. If she feels she needs to sleep immediately then don’t push your luck. However, should she suggest congress then accede avidly all the while being mindful that satisfaction is more important than not getting ‘it’.

10 – When you reach your moment of fulfilment a small moan from you is encouraging apart from the raucous shouting from her. Should your wife suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register your enjoyment as loudly as possible.

It is likely that your wife will then fall promptly asleep so adjust the bed, mop up the residue and crash out yourself.

You may then set the alarm so that you can rise shortly before her in the morning. This will enable you to get the hell out of the house before anything else happens.

Notes from Lapta, Cyprus by Ken Dunn

The Good Wife/Husband Guide

Education is a wonderful thing? Here’s a genuine extract taken from a ‘Domestic Science’ textbook of the early 60’s followed by an ‘alternative’ advisory submission, written by me, as in those days nothing existed for us chaps for we obviously didn’t need guidance!

The Good Wife Guide

1

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned for his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

3

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up the schoolbooks, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over all the surfaces. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

4

Eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

5

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Here your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have done through the day.

6

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the cushions or pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his role with fairness and truthfulness.

7

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer. He may feel obliged to repeat this offer but after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband’s breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

8

Once you both retire to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train.

However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

9

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his fulfilment a small moan from you is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.

10

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of coffee ready when he wakes.

Blimey! Did people really think along those lines then? Now, I swear to you I have not altered a single word of that ‘advice’ above. But I couldn’t help writing another, based on that ten point guidance, for all us mere males.

The Good Husband Guide

1

Arrive home in good time no matter what you have been doing with the ‘lads’ after work. Even if you have had a disgusting Doner Kebab on the way home be prepared for the delights of a home cooked meal. Try not to belch too much as you come through your front door. She will not be amused and the children will know you’ve had a few ‘bevvies’.

2

Prepare yourself. As you come through the door realise she has been grinding away most of the day, mostly on your behalf, and will be in no mood to hear about your mindless tittle-tattle about who is screwing who in the office. Allow her to lambaste you with what has gone wrong while you’ve been away.

3

Don’t complain about the clutter that was there when you left the house in the morning. Just clear a space and sit down quietly. Don’t refer to the mess in the rest of the house and don’t even think about checking the level of dust by running your finger over any flat surface. During the colder months of the year be very careful about suggesting the central heating might be turned up. Accept whatever she gives you, if at all, in terms of food.

4

Be prepared for activity. The washing machine, dryer, washing up machine or vacuum can, and will, be used at all times, without prior consent, especially during TV programmes you want to watch.

Children will insist on creating mayhem around you and then kick hell out of each other, totally ignoring your threats of instant death. Try to relax. Tomorrow might be better. But it probably won’t be.

5

Make the evening special. Never complain if she gets legless from the white wine she’s been drinking all day with her friends who are still staggering about, in your house, making suggestive comments and gestures to you. Pour them out through the front door as quickly as you can and find out what’s on the ‘box’.

As herself is now probably quite beyond it by now it is the time to indulge yourself and can happily break wind as frequently as possible without being shouted at. Settle down in front of the tele and enjoy yourself. It won’t happen often.

6

Make yourself as comfortable as possible. You will probably have no more than 30 minutes before she reasserts herself and accuses you of doing sod all, again.

Try to lean back in a comfortable chair or strap your wife into one before she attacks you. Slip off your shoes before attempting to sneak out to the pub. Remember, you are not master of all but merely of yourself, subject to your wife’s approval.

7

Once you have identified, tested and eaten your evening meal, if any, you have the chance to do the washing up. Be very careful about embarking on this risky venture in making sure you know where things actually go after drying up.

If you have a hobby of any kind be very careful about leaving bits and pieces lying around. If you don’t tidy up after you’ve been working most of it will probably be in the bin by the morning.

At the end of the evening try not to fall asleep watching the tele as herself will almost certainly give up trying to wake you up and will go to bed feeling unjustly treated. That will not help matters for the following morning.

8

Once you both retire to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Hygiene is of the utmost importance. Your tired wife does not want to detect the odour of feet, armpits or any other symptom of male forgetfulness regarding cleanliness.

Leave the bathroom as you would like to find it. Do not spray the mirror with unspeakable ‘squirts’ or leave the WC without putting the seat down.

9

However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is engaging without being lascivious to ensure your chances of having your evil way. If she feels she needs to sleep immediately then don’t push your luck. However, should she suggest congress then accede avidly all the while being mindful that satisfaction is more important than not getting ‘it’.

10

When you reach your moment of fulfilment a small moan from you is encouraging apart from the raucous shouting from her. Should your wife suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register your enjoyment as loudly as possible.

It is likely that your wife will then fall promptly asleep so adjust the bed, mop up the residue and crash out yourself.

You may then set the alarm so that you can rise shortly before her in the morning. This will enable you to get the hell out of the house before anything else happens.

Notes from Lapta, Cyprus by Ken Dunn

 

 

The Good Wife/Husband Guide

 

 

 

Education is a wonderful thing? Here’s a genuine extract taken from a ‘Domestic Science’ textbook of the early 60’s followed by an ‘alternative’ advisory submission, written by me, as in those days nothing existed for us chaps for we obviously didn’t need guidance!

 

 

The Good Wife Guide

 

 

 

1

 

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned for his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

 

2

 

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

 

3

 

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up the schoolbooks, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over all the surfaces. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

 

4

 

Eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

 

5

 

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Here your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have done through the day.

 

6

 

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the cushions or pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his role with fairness and truthfulness.

 

7

 

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer. He may feel obliged to repeat this offer but after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s.

 

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband’s breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

 

8

 

Once you both retire to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train.

 

However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

 

9

 

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

 

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his fulfilment a small moan from you is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.

 

10

 

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products.

 

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of coffee ready when he wakes.

 

 

 

 

 

Blimey! Did people really think along those lines then? Now, I swear to you I have not altered a single word of that ‘advice’ above. But I couldn’t help writing another, based on that ten point guidance, for all us mere males.

 

 

The Good Husband Guide

 

 

 

1

 

Arrive home in good time no matter what you have been doing with the ‘lads’ after work. Even if you have had a disgusting Doner Kebab on the way home be prepared for the delights of a home cooked meal. Try not to belch too much as you come through your front door. She will not be amused and the children will know you’ve had a few ‘bevvies’.

 

2

 

Prepare yourself. As you come through the door realise she has been grinding away most of the day, mostly on your behalf, and will be in no mood to hear about your mindless tittle-tattle about who is screwing who in the office. Allow her to lambaste you with what has gone wrong while you’ve been away.

 

3

 

Don’t complain about the clutter that was there when you left the house in the morning. Just clear a space and sit down quietly. Don’t refer to the mess in the rest of the house and don’t even think about checking the level of dust by running your finger over any flat surface. During the colder months of the year be very careful about suggesting the central heating might be turned up. Accept whatever she gives you, if at all, in terms of food.

 

4

 

Be prepared for activity. The washing machine, dryer, washing up machine or vacuum can, and will, be used at all times, without prior consent, especially during TV programmes you want to watch.

 

Children will insist on creating mayhem around you and then kick hell out of each other, totally ignoring your threats of instant death. Try to relax. Tomorrow might be better. But it probably won’t be.

 

5

 

Make the evening special. Never complain if she gets legless from the white wine she’s been drinking all day with her friends who are still staggering about, in your house, making suggestive comments and gestures to you. Pour them out through the front door as quickly as you can and find out what’s on the ‘box’.

 

As herself is now probably quite beyond it by now it is the time to indulge yourself and can happily break wind as frequently as possible without being shouted at. Settle down in front of the tele and enjoy yourself. It won’t happen often.

 

6

 

Make yourself as comfortable as possible. You will probably have no more than 30 minutes before she reasserts herself and accuses you of doing sod all, again.

 

Try to lean back in a comfortable chair or strap your wife into one before she attacks you. Slip off your shoes before attempting to sneak out to the pub. Remember, you are not master of all but merely of yourself, subject to your wife’s approval.

 

7

 

Once you have identified, tested and eaten your evening meal, if any, you have the chance to do the washing up. Be very careful about embarking on this risky venture in making sure you know where things actually go after drying up.

 

If you have a hobby of any kind be very careful about leaving bits and pieces lying around. If you don’t tidy up after you’ve been working most of it will probably be in the bin by the morning.

 

At the end of the evening try not to fall asleep watching the tele as herself will almost certainly give up trying to wake you up and will go to bed feeling unjustly treated. That will not help matters for the following morning.

 

8

 

Once you both retire to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Hygiene is of the utmost importance. Your tired wife does not want to detect the odour of feet, armpits or any other symptom of male forgetfulness regarding cleanliness.

 

Leave the bathroom as you would like to find it. Do not spray the mirror with unspeakable ‘squirts’ or leave the WC without putting the seat down.

 

9

 

However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is engaging without being lascivious to ensure your chances of having your evil way. If she feels she needs to sleep immediately then don’t push your luck. However, should she suggest congress then accede avidly all the while being mindful that satisfaction is more important than not getting ‘it’.

 

10

 

When you reach your moment of fulfilment a small moan from you is encouraging apart from the raucous shouting from her. Should your wife suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register your enjoyment as loudly as possible.

 

It is likely that your wife will then fall promptly asleep so adjust the bed, mop up the residue and crash out yourself.

 

You may then set the alarm so that you can rise shortly before her in the morning. This will enable you to get the hell out of the house before anything else happens.

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