Notes from Lapta, Cyprus – Security by Ken Dunn

I came across this gem recently, below, and thought I’d pass it on. The reason for using it is linked to the recent general upheaval which has been going across the Middle East. For myself, I think Turkey is playing a careful, and responsible role.

Further south, I do wonder what our GC friends are thinking about. They just happen to be a tad closer than the TRNC and if some nutcase, anywhere along the North African coast or above Jordan, were to find a button to press, would they target the British bases over there? A sobering thought and one that might have any opportunist GC launching into a ‘Bunkers are 4 Us’ business.

It’s a worrying time for all of us and not likely to be over quickly but, surely, common sense will prevail? Time will only tell. For now enjoy the rest of this with a small addition from me. I hope John Cleese will appreciate and not take legal action for plagiarism! Read on…


By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

Now that’s all a bit of fun but wouldn’t it have been delicious if he’d included the Cypriots in all of that? It may have run something like this….

The Greeks have wondered what all the fuss is about. After all they claim that they invented the civilised world and all of it should really belong to them.

However, not wanting to appear sissies, they have actually implemented several security levels from “Get your bloody hands off, that’s mine!” to “And so is that!” Then comes “Just you bloody wait!!” followed by “But where the hell is my house over there?’ and finally “Who says we’re not telling the truth?”

They are still working on the first level and are likely to stay that way for some time.

The Turks responded with “ Izz tamam, izz Ok. Izz OK! We do zomezing…, we do zomezing….. tomorrow. Yezz, tomorrow!! OK, OK!! Next week!! Hey… c’monn, IzzZypruzz!!!.”

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Comments are closed.