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Pirate Pete’s Advice Column – “should I cancel my lifetime subscription to Pirate Today?”

Me problem today were brought to me by the parrot of one of me parchment readers:

Pirate Pete, I’ve been reading the local newspaper, Pirate Today, for several years now and am thinking of cancelling my lifetime subscription. The reason is that the quality of the news is rapidly deteriorating. For example, this week’s edition has on the front page a story concerning water found just off the beach and another about a game of “eat a grape” won by a pirate who ate two. I remember a time when the newspaper was full of stories exposing acts of piracy. Should I cancel my lifetime subscription?

Apoline Read”

Well, Apoline, as sure as there are worms in biscuits, there is one thing you can be sure of on Pirate Island, and that’s the fact that you should never cancel a lifetimes subscription to Pirate Today. When y signed up, there, clearly in invisible ink, was the important information that if you ask to stop the newspaper then the proprietor will arrange to cancel your life. It’s obvious really if you think about it. As for there being no more piracy stories, I think you need to look in a pirate dictionary to correct your misunderstanding, me hearty. You’ll find that acts of piracy are actions that pirates do, and eating two grapes was therefore an act of piracy faithfully reported by my editor-in-chief.

Next week’s problem is from Austin Healey who wants to know how often donkey farts have to be tested in order for a donkey and cart to be able to be legally used on a public road

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