Geoff Day’s 53rd TRNC court appearance – who’s as thick as a plank of wood?

NotAppearance 53 for Geoff started at 11.32 a.m. in his usual place in the witness box.

Before I go into details, there were cases heard before Geoff’s and I really must mention the logo on a ladies T-shirt involved in one case. It said ‘You Really Don’t Impress Me’ and Perry, I think she was talking for all of us, about you.

Perry started with the six pieces of wood… again. Did Mary help Geoff put them on the balcony? Geoff – no. Perry – you are not telling the truth. Geoff – yes I am.

Perry – did your wife give a written statement to the police? Geoff – yes she did. Now we know where all the Mary questions of yesterday are going. It is no good, I am just going to give you a summary of what was said. Perry was trying to say Mary’s statement contradicted Geoff’s evidence about when the wood was taken to the balcony. Perry said that Geoff described it as good quality wood, but then testified that Mary had asked him to move Reg’s rubbish out, so that must have meant the wood too. Personally I cannot see what difference where the wood was kept makes, Geoff did the best to keep it in good condition because he believed that at some stage it would be par of the wood panelling in his dining room. Perry accused Geoff of stealing it to spite Reg and said there was no need for the panelling to be put right because Reg said so. Reg had been to the house and even stepped over the wood on occasion. Geoff has a photocopy of an agreement listing the work that needs doing which includes the changing of the badly fitted panels in the dining room. This list is signed by Reg but is only a photo copy, the original being held by the government deptartment who were acting as arbitrators between Geoff and Reg.

Geoff had the brilliant idea; as the court wouldn’t accept Geoff’s photocopy, why didn’t they get the original back from the government office. Perry didn’t seem keen on that because it would blow his argument out of the water. Geoff had no recollection of ever calling the wood rubbish (I do remember Perry calling it low quality) indeed, neither do I, I remember him quoting Mary as wanting Reg’s rubbish out of her house, but that was Mary’s words, not Geoff’s. Perry seems rather hung up on wanting Geoff to describe these six pieces of wood as rubbish, now maybe I’m losing the plot, but I cannot remember Geoff being accused of stealing these particular pieces of wood, so why are they so important? Maybe this was at best a rather amateurish attempt by Perry to prove Geoff a liar?

I’m sorry that I went over that last part quickly because now I am onto the really good bit. Today Perry decided to teach us all how to make a barbecue. If I were to notarise everything Perry said, every measurement he gave, I promise you War and Peace would look like a short novel. We went  from yesterday’s  assertion that Geoff didn’t have enough firebricks to today when he has too many. Tomorrow, well who knows? Now our Perry is no fool and if you want a long thin barbecue on which you can cook a three foot string of sausages WITHOUT cutting the string, he’s your man. Confused? So were we. Suddenly you only need two firebricks, he has never heard of rendering over Windies and thinks it is concrete, hence his thinking Geoff had too many. I can bore you rigid with some of the questions Perry asked Geoff, but frankly I like you all too much to inflict it on you. Needless to say I strongly suspect Perry doesn’t really know much about the building trade, so the phrasing of his questions left you confused or gob smacked or a combination of the two. Being a feet and inches girl, Perry lost me after the first centimetre, but Geoff, who knows these things, bless him, did his best, but when you are dealing with someone who thinks he knows what he talking about, even Geoff became confused.

At one stage Geoff’s eyebrows disappeared into his hairline (well what’s left of it) in surprise. Loud yawns could be heard from the cheerleaders, the nodding policeman was nodding, the Judge, well I have never seen her smile so much, good, bad or wind? There was discussion over metal shuttering which Perry also accused Geoff of stealing, but clearly Perry had little experience of this either and proceeded to bore us with his lack of knowledge. Needless to say Geoff denied stealing this too.

Eventually our expert barbecue maker, Perry, calculated that to make a barbecue you needed 28 windies in the chimney part and 31 Windies in the bottom part a total of 59 Windies. The usual repartee went on between Perry and Geoff, you know the bit, you’re a liar, no I’m not. Geoff did his very best to teach Perry the right way to build a barbecue, but he was having none of it. Eventually, thank God, the session ended with Geoff agreeing to go and photgraph the barbecue again and to count the bricks.

Outside the court, and with the agreement of Geoff’s advocate, it was decided that Geoff would take Stuart Hillard FRICS, a qualified Chartered Surveyor, to the site to inspect a fully built barbecue of identical design to the one Geoff was going to build, to get him as an expert witness to give a report on exactly how many fire bricks, windies and whatever else it takes to build bloody barbecue.

If you think that this is a complete waste of time, join the club.

Hearing number 54 tomorrow at 10.30 a.m.

You Couldn’t Make It Up

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